Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sticking with the honesty theme here....

This whole belly thing is weird. I have to remind myself almost everyday that its okay lol when I get dressed in the morning my first thought is always...WOAH! Diet time! But then I remember I am six months pregnant. I'm also looking pregnant now instead of chubby and people are taking note but I keep forgetting. Case in point...I was making an appointment with my advisor this morning and the secretary asked when I was due. I replied, "Due for what?" The secretary hesitated for a second and asked, "Your baby?" Of course!! To make things worse my first thought was why is that in the computer? I couldn't stop laughing. I felt so dumb.

Thor and I went camping this weekend with some friends of ours. It was such a good weekend to be outside, the weather was perfect. I love how much fun we have together=) We spent all day Sunday out on the boat fishing...we were both sun burnt but my poor husband was a lobster. Next time we wont forget the sunscreen and I wont forget to take pictures!

We have been so blessed and encouraged by your sweet messages. We are thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you for being excited about Parker Elizabeth with us=)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Once upon a time...

To say I’m about to spill my guts would be an understatement. So brace yourself to be informed with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth=)

It all started my sophomore year of college. I was dreading going back to school after a summer spent at home working at the lake without a care in the world. I knew going back to school meant making a lot of decisions about my major and what I would be doing for the rest of my life…I already didn’t like school and I liked it a lot less with all the pressure of decision making.

There was a girl in one of my classes that was a Kappa Delta, we knew each other but I would say acquaintance before I would have probably said friend. She told me about her major and I had mine changed within the next hour. I was finally excited about the new school year because I found a major I was passionate about and a new friend in every single class. On that day I would have never guessed Becca Bush would become one of my very best friends…thank you Lord for placing such an incredible person in my life=)

A few weeks into school meetings and events were in full swing. Being in such a small major it was normal to have people in and out of class advertising events and meetings. I normally paid no attention and Becca and I continued whatever conversation we were currently having. Well, on this particular day our conversation stopped when the meeting was announced. I was dying to go…I had to figure out what it was all about. So naturally I drug Becca along and we went to this meeting. What was it for? Couldn’t tell you…that wasn’t exactly what I was trying to figure out. What I was trying to figure out was the person who announced the meeting. After knowing he would be there I was committed to being there. We stayed for the whole meeting and even volunteered to help him clean up when the meeting was over. I wasn’t ready to leave…we were having so much fun.

We started talking soon after that and getting to know each other. I was so nervous the first time we hung out just the two of us but it seemed as if we had been friends forever. Things were going so well but knowing I would be out of the state all summer without communication we were both hesitant to jump into anything serious. We went back and forth about whether it was even worth trying on so many occasions…it was quite the ride but the timing was all wrong. Even though things weren’t working out we said we would stay in touch and wished each other well.

We had decided to see where we were in life when I got back from camp. Well we were both in different places geographically and emotionally. We continued to talk and he was still someone who was very important to me. I was happy that we were still friends, I loved our friendship.

We saw each other every now and then when he would be in Stillwater and talked about the idea of a relationship but neither one of us was willing to put the effort into a long distance relationship. When I got my internship in Wyoming it was one more reason that things wouldn’t work and another reason not to be together.

Wyoming was a new and exciting adventure. I wanted to tell someone all about what I was doing and he was always the first person to come to mind. We talked everyday, most days for hours. One of my friends up there called him my fake boyfriend because she said we always acted like a couple. I was thankful for the fact that he was becoming one of my best friends.

I was coming home from Wyoming and told him I wasn’t happy with the way things were. I told him us only being friends was really starting to bother me and get really hard. I told him I wanted more than that and he still felt like it was bad timing. We were on separate pages again. It wasn’t the first time… I was questioning if it would be the last time or if we would be going on like that forever.

History didn’t take long to repeat itself. School started and we were talking all the time and things were normal…normal for us wasn’t necessarily normal to anyone else. Others might have used words like dysfunctional or a waste of time. There was something about him though that was different. Different than anyone else and it was something I wasn’t willing to let go of. Homecoming rolled around and that’s when we saw each other for the first time in over a year. We met up that night and talked about everything. The next morning he met my parents and we hung out with them until time for the game to start. It was the perfect morning.

After my perfect morning I didn’t hear from my perfect man for quite a while. I was so hurt. I called him and yelled more than I had at anyone in a good while. I was on the verge of tears the whole time wondering what went wrong. He apologized a million times saying something just wasn’t right but I didn’t want to hear it. I ended the conversation by telling him I was done and that I never wanted to talk to him again.

(this is the good part and the part that really is me spilling my guts even though it might be awkward and telling the whole truth even when its hard)

What I didn’t know when I told him that is how much that homecoming weekend would change our lives forever. In middle of November I did something I thought I would never have to do and that I wouldn’t have had the strength to do without my wonderful roommates/best friends. I found myself staring into space waiting to see the results of the pregnancy test I was taking. I knew what the results would say before I even looked. It seemed like I knew as soon as it happened. It was the strangest thing. I was so numb and in disbelief. I told my friends the results and they thought I was joking because I wasn’t freaking out, screaming, or crying. I just sat there. I was in denial. It couldn’t be happening to me. The next few weeks were a blur of not knowing what to do and keeping myself busy pretending nothing was changing.

We had been caught. I think we are all guilty of justifying things to make them okay. It was only one time, we really care about each other, no one will ever know. We all have secret sins that we think are just okay or okay as long as we don’t get caught but there was no running away and no turning back.  I wasn’t ready to face the fact that my life was over and my world was being turned upside down. I had plans…this was not anywhere in them. I was sure as soon as anyone found out I would be alone, that the whole world would hate me and turn their noses up at me for messing up. I wasn’t ready for that so I kept my mouth shut.

I had no intentions of telling him about the baby either. It became a popular topic of debate around the house. At this point the only people who knew were my roommates.
He called me one night out of the blue and asked if he could talk to me. He said he needed to see me and he was already on his way to Stillwater. I didn’t want to answer the door but knew I had to because I had something to tell him too. He went first apologizing for the way things had turned out and gone wrong so many times. He said he was ready to do whatever it would take for things to work out with us because he had never cared about anyone else the way he cared about me. He told me everything I wanted to hear but I couldn’t help but think he was going to take it all back as soon as I told him I was pregnant.

When he finished saying what he needed to say he sat there waiting for my reply. I didn’t reply. I didn’t move. I just sat there trying to find the strength to open my mouth and spit out the truth. He could tell something was wrong and wrapped his arms around me and asked me what was going through my head. Then he started worrying about me because he said my heart was racing. I counted to three and blurt out those unfamiliar and uncomfortable words…im pregnant. He sat there and held me as I shook. I didn’t cry. I didn’t speak. I just sat there enjoying the fact that he was holding me knowing that as soon as he realized what he heard he would be out the door.

I don’t know how long we sat there is silence but when he finally said something he kissed my forehead and asked if we could pray about it. I think that was when I started crying. After knowing him for the past three years I knew he was incredible but that was when things were easy, well easier than they were about to be. We talked about our options late into the night and spent the whole next day driving around, talking, and trying to find the answer. We didn’t know what to do but knew we were starting with the two of us. We were giving us a shot first and foremost. He didn’t freak out. He didn’t run. He loved me and prayed for us and what we needed to do.

We took turns driving back and forth to see each other. We talked about what life would look like keeping the baby or choosing adoption. We still hadn’t told our parents and I had decided to wait until after Christmas. I didn’t want to ruin the holidays for my family. We were eating dinner with his parents one night and his mom said (we laugh about this now) I bet the fact the you work at a daycare sure is good birth control and makes you evaluate ever having kids. I was almost in tears and he was on the verge of falling out of his chair from laughing so hard. We knew we had to tell them soon.

My brother and sister found out by default. I cried all day. The truth was out and I knew that I had to tell my parents. I was still determined to wait until after Christmas but they were convinced I tell them that night. Once again, I knew things would never be the same. I loved the way things were and I didn’t want them to change. I told them. I survived. They were so supportive. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I have the best family in the world. It is obviously taking some getting used to for everyone but I am blessed beyond what I deserve.

I could go on and on about the next few weeks and how I cried all the time and questioned everything. I was probably terrible to be around. It breaks my heart looking back on those weeks and the thoughts going through my head.

During those weeks the two of us were doing the relationship thing and things were perfect…perfect for us. It more than made up for all the times things hadn’t come together between the two of us. He was my biggest support and encouragement. When I was searching for answers on my own he was the one reminding me that the Lord had a plan for us and that we needed to be praying about it and not trying to work it out on our own.

I had such a hard time seeing the Lords hand in everything because I felt so guilty and ashamed of the situation. I couldn’t forgive myself and wasn’t allowing the Lord to forgive, comfort, and guide me. I had countless conversations with my mom and Thor about how the Lord was working through all of this. I’m not sure what happened or when it happened but it finally clicked. I was finally okay with what was happening. I was more than okay with it. I was so at peace with the relationship Thor and I were in and I was so thankful the Lord was giving us the opportunity to be parents.

I realized that even though things might have happened out of order it didn’t mean they were bad or we were being punished. I knew we were being blessed. Once I was finally at peace about our new little life it gave us more time to focus on us. Weddings had been talked about from the start but the thought just freaked me out to be honest. I had never pictured myself getting married or having kids so it was a lot all at once.   

I knew I was in love with Thor and we both knew we would get married one day but it just seemed so soon after three months of us “officially” being together. I struggled a lot with what other people were going to think about the fact that we hadn’t been together very long because not everyone knew about the three year journey we had been on before all of this. I also didn’t want anyone to think we were only getting married because I was pregnant. I don’t think that’s ever a reason to marry someone. I was driving with my mom one day and she just straight up asked me are you going to marry Thor someday? Yes. Why wait? I have no idea. We started planning immediately.

There were so many people rooting for us and helping us. My mom should get an award for best wedding planned in the shortest amount of time. Everything fell into place so perfectly. It was just confirmation that it was all part of the Lords plan for us to be together. The venue was perfect, our photographers felt like family, the flowers were exactly what I wanted, I found a dress I loved, and my wedding was a dream come true.

I have never been happier. I am married to the most incredible man and we have a sweet little baby on the way that we will get to meet in July. My friends and family have shown us so much love and support. I love them so much and I could spend forever saying thank you.

 A few months ago I wasn’t ready to give up my senior year of college and now I am so excited for this new chapter in my life. It definitely wasn’t what I had planned…but the Lords plans are so much better.